I cant remember…

I cant remember if it was when I was 15 or 16…

3rd Year anyway

too many things that were litterally eating at my mind… Think it was just being pushed to the very edge of things..

help came at 18… but i wasnt honest and still continued…

now 5 years on I’m still suffering…

my brother went a month ago and its gotten worse since then..

and I cant undertand why..

He was the first person I told in the family… and apart from my mum and dad getting me help and caring.. he’s the only one that really cared it seemed campared to my other friends that I told and one or two really important people i needed support from but never got it..

i feel im pushing it now.. But im still so unhappy.. I know how to change it and I am trying to but theres something still there that just makes me do this.. No one knows whats up..

One of the girls told me that she does it too.. shes stick thin.. and even shes pressured to stay thin.. where i just want to be thin..

My head.. is complpetely fucked.. I’ve figured out that its a complete stress release.. I can do that in other ways.. but… its not the same…

Man.. i find it seriously hard to just get over things and let go.. from the most simple to not so simple..!

FUCK! Apparently this can literally kill you…

dream life.. la

It’s far too easy to read those inspiring texts about .. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow you’d tell the one you love you loved them.. Yada yada yada! First of all you’re not going to die tomorrow.. Probably! If you did tell the person you’d have to live in a constant awkward situation for the rest of your life with this person.. Which in my eyes wouldn’t be worth it..! You could do something about the situation but you don’t know if it would make things better or worse.. Would you rather your life be worse than it is now? But then again it would be better.. But the probability of you not being better off is more than it being better.. Why did you end the relationship in the first place? Think of what the relationship was like and think do you want that again.. Maybe some if it back, like when it was good but you were both probably too naive and stupid to know anything as in.. Anything about anything, so what would you know about a fucking relationship! I still dream, I love dreaming but not dreaming like this. I wake up pissed off and sad at everything.. head has a million things going on in it at the moment.. I’m spending too much time with myself! Stupid fucking broken leg..! Dreams are meant to be like your real thoughts.. I agree.. You can dissolve into a dream and it’s like a different world. You can make that world anything you want it to be.. Last night i had a dream about a hug.. I was hugging someone, someone I know but someone I’ve lost, in that world nothing else mattered but The hug and the hug was so… Nice! How everything use to be. I need to talk about my social outings next…

live

your

life

as

you

want

moremoreandmore

I like where I am now, I think

I could maybe be in a better place or in better situations but you know I’m not there now and the situations Ive been in has brought me here. and this is where I am.

i really have nothing to complain about at all.. I haven’t done half bad really, for the normal every day person of the world. If I were to sit down and think about it, properly and in depth, I’ve nothing to complain about.. but we all complain and hate a lotta things.

So if I wasnt here.. where would I like to be… there’s way too many places Id want to be.

1. New York – being a broadway actress.. ha amazing I know and totally over ambitious. but that could of been possible and everything is possible, and still is! There is no doubt I’ll end up in New York City.. Manhattan.. Doing something amazing. I’ve had it out there for so long, so it’s going to happen! I know it will.

2. One place I know I would be If I wasn’t here is Australia. I know I wouldn’t be where I grew up but probably in Perth.

3. A medical Student. I’m sure if I loved to study and was very amitiOUS, I’d be studying medicine, but.. I’m not so that was out the window since forever.

I feel I used to be a very ambitious person. Now.. I don’t feel I am at all.. I lost it somewhere through my teens. UGH.. this frustrates me so much. Why did I stop.

Where was I ambitious?

In the things I loved and I was at the top of most of those things and I was good man.. I was good! Maybe I was only small – the age of 10-17. but to be ambitious at that age i suppose shows something.

This isn’t being so much ambitious. but I remember in Primary school – I loved creating short stories. My imagination would run wild into these adventurous stories. BUT- when I hit high school.. I was told I wasn’t good at English and writing.. and why was this because I would write crap about some stupid fucking poem with metaphorical meaning. So I was told anything I wrote was vacuous.. VACUOUS… Well Least I know what that means now..! HA! So.. that was that out the window. oh no wait..ONE TIME.. ONE FUCKING TIME.. I was told something I wrote was good.. And that was from my English teacher in 6th year… so she calls me up to her desk doesnt even look at me.. hands me the essay back ”thats the best thing you have ever wrote” and sent me back down to my desk.. I was fairly happy.. with a 70%.. highest I ever ever got in the whole of high school in an English essay. I knew what I wrote was good because it wasn’t one of these shitty ‘tell me what the writer means… or blah blah blah’ anyway.. it was funny!

theres something I use to love and now forgotten –  that’s something ill be getting back into!

Where else was I ambitious- OH in sport. I know it seems like Im coming up with excuses but Moving to Ireland changed all that. I tried to join teams but every fucking team I went to join decided they didnt want to like the new girl.. WHY? because I was the fat Australian girl. And yes I was FAT no exaggeration (I still think this is why I feel so reluctant to join things.. still.. with out really knowing) I get anxious going to new places and meeting new people.. what people think.. what they say.. WOW I am paranoid.. OH I also get really anxious and up tight getting ready and leaving the house.. hmm who knows! I dont like being late!

SO So so… SO.. ambitious in Theater and singing.. dancing.. acting.. obviously top of the class.. As I was with all the things I loved and did ( not that I’m up my own arse )But I totally just gave that up with out even knowing it or realising, college came and hit me in the face and I’ve just forgotten about my loves of life! Well.. at least I remember them and can go and pick them up again.

maybe Im afraid to not be the best like i use to be.. but maybe I just have to start from the bottom again and worth my way up.. as I did before.

Art.. Awh You fucking Idiot.. why did you walk away from that.. I was tired.. Im not tired anymore though I’m really not.

you reach a low low bottom to then reach for the highest you want to be

Its all in the mind!

A Conversation

you know what I have found? I’m good at advice, looking at things ethically. What I’ve been told. I Find I just really like thinking deep into particular things, coming up with my own theories and they seem to go down well with other people that ever ask advice on particular topics.

Anyway.. So someone I know of was going away for 6 weeks during the summer, which now she is home from. She wanted to break up with her boyfriend for the time that she was away and he was away; what she said to ‘grow’. which is understandable. Not to worry about randomly being with some other Guy or Girl while your away and act the eijet basically. Then she was kinda emphasising that she felt she needed to grow but she wanted to stay with her boyfriend that shes been with since they were like 14 or so.

This was my adive and theory on this.

I said that being in or out of a reatlionship doesnt define you or control you growing or not growing. Its all about experiences. You can still experience everything single or not. but when your relationship takes over your life, then thats maybe where the problem is. and its not the relationship not letting you grow its you thinking that the relationship is holding you back.. where it shouldnt.. ever.

Sleeping with some random person you meet in a bar, scoring someone on a night out isnt what grows you into a person. what is all of that at the end of the day? NOTHING at all.

who you meet, what you see. what you experience. how you view life. how you treat people and how you are treated is what grows you as a person.

not the list of people you’ve banged.

Don’t push yourself down

People who treat you like you’re nothing, are not worth your time, breath or thoughts. If they decide that there are two ways to treat you.. again they are not worth the stated. If they apologise for acts that are continuously committed, you’re only putting yourself in pain. If they hurt your heart there’s not much else to say..

If they can leave you high and dry.. standing in a dark place while they explode into chaos and colouring leaving you thinking wondering and cold.

For someone to expect you to hold on, but wait.. expect you to stand there and look like a fool.. so they can live and let live, while you can too but feel pushed down by the people surrounding the two of you.. You must cast a sail.

See what you are worth more and someone else will find that.

 

Why I get frustrated.

“So much has been given to me, I have not time to ponder over that which has been denied.”
- Helen Keller

Writing is my therapy and my therapy is my writing.

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember hundreds of  notepads and pieces of scrap paper that I have now lost and I’m sure are lying somewhere and they’ll never be read. I wouldn’t want anyone to get hold of my note pads, they’re me, all my thoughts, on paper and no matter what people say no one wants anyone to know the real them as in what goes through their head, what they think about, what they THINK of other people, their friends, family, colleagues and relationships. What they want in life and what they don’t.

everyone has a list of things that they want in life. Typical: Nice house, Nice car, Money, Happiness, Family.. ECT! Ever look at what you actually have and stop thinking about what you want? Everyone has a future and we wont know what we get until we’re in that future and then it’ll be the present. and if you get what you want in that present moment you’ll be looking at more things that you want. I’m not debating that there’s anything wrong with aspirations – but to dwell on your life now and not look at what you have in this moment is useless.

Get up every morning and write down 5 things that you are grateful for now. bring that piece of paper around with you for the whole day and when you feel SHIT, take it out and read it.

I realise what I have now, though I also realise what dreams I have for the future and I aspire for them but I don’t dwell on whats SHIT now and hope things get better.. because how on earth will they get better if you continue to DWELL.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become.”- Guatama Buddha

“Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.”
- Benjamin Franklin

Desperate Housewive-ing

I really Would not mind being a house wife. I don’t believe that woman are put on this earth to sit at home cook, clean and take care of children at all. I have big things planned for myself.. To be a successful Career woman is what I plan to be, of some sort. Though, the whole house wife thing isn’t something I would turn down.  I just spent the day doing the washing, cleaning the house, lighting candles and doing the dishes.

I look at my Mum, she works ridiculously hard and it seems she doesn’t get her moneys worth AT ALL, She really doesn’t. for her to then come home and be stereotypically expected to clean the house after everyone and then cook dinner is MAD and she does do it, not every day but she does, I dont know how. There isnt enough of a disposable income to have a full time, part-time ANYTIME maid in this house. For a woman that has a Full Time job and then is expected in some way to have their house spotless is.. ridiculous.

So my desision is:

I am either going to have to be very successful with enough of a disposable income to have a full time MAID and Nanny to mind my kids and keep my house spotless.

OR

Be a house wife.

then again… the thought of someone else brining up my children doesn’t seem too appealing.

So.. house wife it is.

Today Was Better

Today was a better day than yesterday..So I’m pretty happy about that. Though yesterday was spent very hungover and horrible.

I’m thinking about what does everyone else do with their lives. All my close girlfriends have boyfriends.. long long time boyfriends (I for one do not want one at this stage of my life, been there done that, we’re too young, but then again you never know what will show up in your life or when). I just wonder what they do, i spent the entire day cleaning my room and organizing my stuff because I just moved back into my parents house (kill me).  Did they spend their day with each other just snuggled on the couch all day. Couples should be exciting and do things together that they both like doing. It can’t be a one way thing. But – always try something your unsure about, you’ll never know if you like it or not.

If you’re in a relationship do you spend your day with that person, they whole day? What do they do, i forget what I did to be honest, well not totally but the last 6 month were so boring and we got so use to each other I suppose it was a bit boring, there was none of the exciting, fun things we liked to do together like before.

So does it seem when you become in a ‘relationship’ its like everything else is less relevant and if there are people who disagree with that then you are Wrong and Naive. Doing things that doesn’t involve your other half  seem to be less interesting, or if they’re not involved in it, it isn’t interesting. This I believe is ridiculous, though I can understand completely why this is done I’m sure I did it. It’s ridiculous because you are completely losing yourself in with the person you are with and not thinking about anything else. (extreme cases)

Girls also tend to ‘hold back’ more or sacrifice things (from my experience AND observation)  Young Men like to have the craic and have fun and they will forget you are sitting at home alone because you’ve lost all your friends because of him (joke) while he is in a night club or if they are out on the piss with THE lads, not because they are cheating on you.. but because they are lads and they just forget, for us what seems insensitive.

I’m not saying that if you’re in a relationship from a very young age and for a very long time that its a bad thing. I just think when you’re young its a time to live and be YOU, because when you settle down you will turn into a middle aged, hard working, family loving, pub drinking, volvo driving, tie wearing, briefcase carrying, beer belly, balding, mustache growing, buzz killing, broke, garden fanatic, family raring old person that will look back and say – why did I let that hottie that was good for sex when i was 21 hold me back, and why did I think going on a 5 week european tour with them was good when I could have got loads of durty monkey sex with basically anyone I saw. I could have traveled the world and grown into myself on my own. Seen the world and do what I liked, been in my own thoughts and solve the worlds problems on my own.

I just see us (18-25 year olds) at this age people need to grow into and out of them selves and when you’re in a relationship you are constantly being influenced by the person that you are with. What they like/what they don’t, how they live/how they don’t. If your other half doesn’t like something, that will totally influence you (minor example) such as: lets say they don’t like…eh.. pizza.. for the whole time that you are together you wont ever eat in a pizza place, and if your with that person for a steady amount of time you wont go and eat in a pizza place. You will have totally forgotten that YOU LIKE PIZZA. Then when and if you are to break up you will hold this grudge and love pizza and eat it all the time out of spite..then  get fat. then who will want you.

I mean having someone to cuddle, and sleep beside and to get the ride when ever you want is nice, but just go to Coppers and I’m sure you will not find it hard to get someone to stick it in. Not to be crude or anything. Fuckk the emotional attachment.

We are all only young once. Get your first love but don’t let it be your last. Learn what its like to live and be young on your own. Find what you want. What gets you and what doesn’t. What you like and what you don’t (you can get your next ‘partner’ not like too) Find what kind of people get you, what kind of people you don’t get.  Get on with life and just ‘fuck it’. walk down the road and smile- someone will see you and be like ‘wonder what they’re so happy about” which makes them miserable, then keep that thought which will make you even happier. (maybe that’s just me).

Never forget what it is that you love to do. And if you’ve forgotten get back into it.